Ohs and effs

This is not a story about a dog's haircut, but it starts that way.

The scene: A strip mall pet grooming salon. Mid afternoon, a few hours before the city's mask ordinance goes into effect.

I carried Peanut from the car toward the grooming salon because the pavement was hot and, somehow, she knew where we were. My keys, heavy with the attached minibar-sized bottle of hand sanitizer, were shoved in my pocket and making my pants fall down.

Half-way between the car and the salon door, I realized I left my face mask in the front seat.
"Effity, eff, eff!" I thought to myself. And then, "Oh eff it. This will take two minutes." (I didn't really say "effity" or "eff," but I'm trying to keep this family-friendly.)

The groomer fawned over Peanut. I completed the paperwork and handed over the leash.

"Pickup at 4 o'clock, right?" I asked.

"Yes, but we might be done sooner," she said.

"Oh, OK. Text me if you are. I'm a swim coach, and I'm headed to the pool now. With these clouds I won't be surprised if we get lightning. If we do, I can get her before 4."

"Oh! At least you get to swim! So many things are closed."

"Yes. I hope it lasts."

"Well, I can tell you this: I am NOT going along with that mask mandate. I've already called the police, and they say they can't enforce it. I have done my research! It's a $50 ticket, but they can't make anyone pay it. There's no penal code for it!"

"Oh."

"And I'll tell you what! I am NOT spending one dime in Sarasota until that thing is lifted. And I am NOT going to Costco EVER AGAIN. Mandatory masks there!"

"Oh."

"And what do you think is going to happen when they have this vaccine?"

"Huh?"

"Are they going to make people get it?"

"Oh. Well. I'm not sure what the plan is. But they make kids get vaccines for school, so I assume something like that will be done."

"Well, not my kids! My son was sliding towards autism before he was a year old. I put a stop to that!"

She went there.

Out.of.bounds.

----

A few things I should have done:

1) Taken my dog and ran.
2) Worn my effing mask in the first place.
3) Said way more than, "Oh."

But the poor pup had quarantine claws, and I had to get to the pool, and I was just so stunned to be included in this conversation in the first place. I was too slow and stupid to do or say the right thing.

I called my mother on the way to the pool.

"I'll pick her up, and I'll wear my mask!" she said.

"No, you stay home," I told her. "But I'll wear mine when I pick up. That will be beautiful."

"No," she said. "You're liable to be shot!"

She went there.

She's not out of bounds. This is effing Florida.

I picked up the dog at 3:40 p.m. I did not wear my mask.

I did not tip.